Masterlist of Tom Swifty Jokes

“Loads of Tom Swifty jokes are listed here,” Tom enumerated. Not all of them are great. Credit given if known, but due to the short nature of the joke and how simplistic the gag/pun is, more than one person will undoubtedly have come up with the same joke on their own, independently.

Brief Intro to Tom Swifty (or Tom Swiftie) Jokes

For those unfamiliar, a Tom Swifty joke is typical one sentence, involving a quote, followed by credit to Tom for saying it, and a way that he said it that is typically a dry pun or twist on the remark that was said.

For example:

“Let’s stop by the cemetery,” Tom said cryptically.

The quote on its own is fairly ordinary, but the way Tom is described saying it, both augments the way Tom said it, as if having a secret motive, but also is a sneaky reference to a cemetery, which could contain a crypt. The relationship between cryptically and cemetery is tenuous at best; the better Tom Swifty jokes are the ones where you really need to struggle to find the connection or that the connection is so extremely absurd.

“I just ran into the screen door again,” Tom said, barely restraining himself.

And just to clarify; it need not have a “said, -ly” construction; it could be like “Tom blurted.” Mix it up. Innovate =) And clearly, if you typically groan at puns, this may not be a pleasurable experience for you.

There is more history about the Tom Swifty joke in general on the Wikipedia entry.

“Start listing already,” Tom began. Okay, okay!

“That really insults my ventricles,” Tom said, disheartened.
“All this lava builds up a lot of pressure,” Tom vented.
“Contempt? You? Us?” Tom asked, contemptuously.
“Not all theologies will fit in the same bag,” Tom said, sacrilegiously.
“Too bad I wasn’t written in the Death Note book before I saw the film,” Tom said fatalistically.
“I didn’t think she could use ant in that way again,” Tom said, reverberantly.
“I think all references to Terry in the story should be removed,” Tom said, deleteriously.
“Could you hurry up and clean everything in the sink,” Tom dryly said, expeditiously.
“I’ve never seen a telephone made of chocolate,” Tom said, cacophonously.
“I just lost my job,” Tom said, shiftlessly.
“I think you should add that all up ahead of time,” Tom said, presumably.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to knock you over, dad,” Tom said, bumpkinly.
“An alien is coming out of my belly!” Tom said, abruptly.
“Aunt Jemima sure has a big rack,” Tom said surreptitiously.
“Wow, you rolled three sixes,” Tom criticized.
“The metal over my wheels just fell off,” Tom defended.
“This door buzzer sure is ordinary,” Tom complained.
“Your table for eight is ready over here, sir,” Tom situated, with reservation.
“I think I see Theodore over there,” Tom spotted.
“I know we broke up, but you’re sick; let’s get you better,” Tom extended.
“These small fried potato morsels are too simplistic,” Tom facilitated.
“Come on baby,” Tom twisted.
“That word will never catch on,” Tom fetched.
“And we’ll make a second left here,” Tom returned.
“The show under the big top never starts on time,” Tom circulated.
“I just can’t stop farting,” Tom constituted.
“Saturday is finally here,” Tom said, weakened.
“My LGBT+ friend is always tardy; we can wait,” Tom translated.
“No, stay over there, you two stay together!” Tom repaired.
“No, I think you did actually hit the target,” Tom dismissed.
“Oh yeah!” Tom aided, coolly.
“That booty could stop up the ocean,” Tom associated.
“The fish-leader dude really plays by the book,” Tom acknowledged.
“I’m pretty good at drawing anime eyelashes,” Tom characterized.
“There’s enough chocolate and peanut butter to fill a small lake here,” Tom responded.
“Bella keeps coming to mind for some reason,” Tom reflected.
“I can barely hold it in,” Tom went.
“And then we sketched our ideas, together,” Tom withdrew.
“Sing the same song? Twice in a row?” Tom recovered.
“I slipped a pair of twos into my sleeve, yes,” Tom induced.
“I confess my love for strategy board games, “Tom risked.
“Let me open all these letters,” Tom developed.
“Let me take my contacts out to show you their true color,” Tom realized.
“When you pull this lever, the vessel flies into the air,” Tom subjected.
“Err-er-rooo-er-rooo! Err-er-roo-er-erooo!” Tom recalled.
“With this brush stroke, you can add foliage easily, in front of the others,” Tom relieved.
“Germination is something I’m big about,” Tom proceeded.
“Next step in dissection is removing this piece,” Tom delivered.
“The history behind tiny mystical creatures is fascinating,” Tom implored.
“Mr. Roker is getting to close to the edge of the cliff,” Tom alleged.
“I hate color puns the most,” Tom blew.
“I can see better than anyone,” Tom supervised.
“I completed the redundant orders ensuring pool’s water meets the brim,” Tom fulfilled.
“I think I’ll write it down sooner,” Tom prescribed.
“YOU are the donkey,” Tom assured.
“You are the second priest to be hired today,” Tom administered.
“Your mark needs to be hit sooner, Mr. Coolidge,” Tom calculated.
“I hang my boxing gloves on this model of a navy vessel,” Tom submitted.
“I can’t think of any rhymes for drowned,” Tom frowned.
“I can’t imagine how Gal Gadot could be any more perfect for the role,” Tom wondered.
“The next dance move requires moving your tush in this pattern,” Tom assessed.
“Mr. Price has a lengthy criminal record,” Tom said, convinced.
“I’m gonna be the man that goes along with you,” Tom proclaimed.
“Add more skimpy dresses to the magazine cover,” Tom said, skirting the issue.
“This heavy book belongs on top of Robin,” Tom said, laying it on thick.
“The tornado propelled the steps right into the wall,” Tom said, with penetrating stare.
“I’m moving your telecopier farther away from me,” Tom said, denying the facts.
“I give her rejection of your advances a 10 out of 10,” Tom concentrated.
“I love washing clothes when the crowd stands,” Tom cheered from the bleachers.
“I refuse to mimic stereotypical Cajun accents,” Tom guaranteed.
“Am I annoying you, Tim? Am I? What about now?” Tom bothered to mention.

Feb 13, 2018, on the @divvyry Twitter, will begin #TomSwiftyTuesday, where there is a call for submissions for the funniest Tom Swifty joke. If there are any winners that get a laugh out of me (and I’m pretty easy to impress), and the entry with the most likes will be added to this list with credit =)