Master List of Quicker Than/ Faster Than -Jokes

Here is a list of several of the best “Quicker than a..” or “Faster than a..” one-liners that I made up or found online. I was trying to come up with something funny for a Facebook comment about how quickly I would have kicked a romantic potential to the curb based on an action he had taken against a lady friend (installing password trackers on her computer), and had trouble finding very many good ones, so I decided to make my own list!

..quicker than your mother can unbutton her overalls.
..quicker than [fat celebrity] would sign up for a butter convention (groundhog-at-a-cabbage-convention, etc)
..faster than a cheetah could pounce on a limping [political figure].
..faster than a speeding ticket.
..more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

..busier than a one armed wallpaper hanger with the hives.
..left faster than a [race] man after hearing the pregnancy test results.
..disappeared faster than a [snack food] at a [diet program] meeting.
..faster than the wife can figure out a way to spend it.
..lost faster than an intern’s dignity at a cigar club meeting
..gone faster than a [container of indigestion remedy/domesticated animal] in a [restaurant].
..faster than a new version of anything by Microsoft needing to be patched.
..gone faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
..disappeared faster than a watermelon in the hands of Gallagher.
..gone quicker than a cheesy poof in the hands of Cartman.
..vanished quicker than [one hit wonder]’s music career.
..sold out quicker than a rainbow-print [clothing item] at an LBGT festival.
..faster than the babysitter’s boyfriend when the car pulls up.
..gone faster than a [expensive automotive item] at a [racial celebrity] concert.
..out quicker than [sports team] at the play-offs.
..madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
..punchier than a drill press.

From the country of Chile comes several popular sayings of this nature:

..Más abrigado que hijo único (“more bundled up than an only child”)
..Más doblado que conejo de mago (“more bent than a magician’s rabbit”)
..Más flaco que piojo de peluca (“Thinner than wig lice”)
..Más aburrido que acuario de almejas (“Duller than an aquarium of clams”)
..Más seco que toalla de hippie (“Dryer than a hippie’s towel”)
..Más callado que avalancha de lana (“More silent than an avalanche of wool”)
(credit to this Facebook post)

(this list originally appeared on the ablestmage press and I am that same author, just migrating word-related posts over here)

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